Thank You, Panic & Anxiety

An Open Letter of Gratitude to My Demon

You’ve terrified me most of my adult life. Your presence was a constant reminder—a tight chest, shallow breaths, a persistent sense of fear.

I tried to shackle you in the deep recesses of my mind where the wild things are to never see you again.

But time and time again, you would break out of those shackles to remind me that you were very much alive and well. You’d terrify me just enough that even once put back in your place, you were still on my mind. You’ve been the longest adult relationship I’ve ever been in and it’s felt nothing but abusive.

This fear has deeply affected my life in ways I’m still uncovering, both in therapy and outside it. You’ve made me small. You ensured I wouldn’t seek more from my life and you told me to simply be grateful for what I had, even if what I had still wasn’t enough.

I’ve needed medication to quiet your whispers because I couldn’t handle you. Even the thought of you sent chills down my spine.

The medication quieted you down from whispering “here comes the panic” all hours of the day. But it didn’t allow me to feel social and connect with people, which I deeply needed in my 20s and early 30s. That’s where alcohol stepped in to provide fleeting relief.

Alcohol turned off any additional chatter in my mind to let me feel “normal” and show up in social situations as the funny, outgoing guy I thought people wanted. It allowed me to talk to that pretty girl and make friends with those new people.

I realize now that medicated me and drunk me were internal parts that developed to shield me from you because I couldn’t handle you.

And these parts have kept me from living my life the way I’ve wanted.

Once I had enough of this, once I truly realized that this was not how I wanted to live, I decided to finally confront you. I went searching in the darkness of my mind, still scared but no longer fearing my ability to manage what I would find.

It took time to find you. I had done a tremendous job of hiding you and throwing away the key. The medication ensured you were not only in shackles in a cell, but that you were in a cell under the prison.

When I opened that cell door, unshackled you, and ripped your mask off to find out who you really were, I finally saw the truth. Your face was simply a mirror. And that mirror was showing my reflection. My demon that had been terrorizing me my entire adult life was ME.

And the ironic part is, I wouldn’t change a thing. I had to go through this to become the strong and resilient person I am today. If I didn’t, I fear I would have been a shell of a man going through life a ghost.

And this brings me an overwhelming sense of gratitude for you, my demon, my part, my self. It was you who I needed to challenge me so that I could develop into the person I wanted to be.

I am so thankful to have had you in my life and I will cherish your lessons forever.

But it’s now time for us to part ways. Your mission has been accomplished.

It is with boundless gratitude that I now release you.